Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Re-Finding God

Life doesn't ever slow down.

Some days I just want to close my eyes and wish myself
away to Neverland
because the appeal of fantasy is that it is always
so much better than reality.

I've felt distanced from God for a while up until just recently
when things seemed as if they were on the brink of crumbling down
all at once.

And then I thought back to parts of Captivating and Wild at Heart
and realized that I was needing people for the wrong reasons.
I consider my fatal flaw to be that I have very high expectations
for myself and for others,
thus, allowing me to be easily disappointed.
However, lately I've been getting disappointed in the littlest of things
and could not for the life of me figure out why.

And then I realized that instead of looking to myself and to God,
I was looking to other people to validate me.

It was an eye opening realization;
the kind that makes the sky seem like it's opening up to finally let
God through after days and days of darkness and solitude.

I wanted to explore this more because I think one of the most interesting
and important things to study in life is the self.
However, I was cut short when I went and talked with my prayer group.

To me, it was a heartbreaking meeting, despite the inspirational verse
at the end, because for the first time I saw these girls open up their hearts
to their wounds and their suffering.
I saw that regardless of where a person is in their spiritual and life journey,
confidence is and overbearing issue that many people struggle with.

One of the saddest burdens to see is a person who
devotes their lives to helping others
but struggles internally with who they are and how the world perceives them.

I am a strong believer that, while being selfless is a beautiful gift to learn,
it is absolutely acceptable to be selfish in certain situations.

I watch these wonderful girls give and give and give,
and never once do they demand the world to give them the respect that they deserve.
I feel like issues like this may be minor in some situations,
but they can ultimately lead to putting oneself in terrible situations that lead down even worse paths.

I'm thinking about leading one meeting to try and resolve these issues
because self esteem issues can be so detrimental on a person's spirit.

On another note,
the other night I opened up my heart and found
that one purpose of my life is to tell the stories of others
and help people find inspiration.

I hope that I can find my path
and a good medium
to make this happen.

No comments: