Tuesday, March 4, 2008

You have to ride change.

I have had a random couple of day,
and too many thoughts have been swirling through me.

Sometimes I wish I could just turn them off.

My moods have been changing with this crazy Tennessee weather
and one moment I will feel like I have it all figured out
while the next I feel completely lost.

I woke up this morning thinking that one day
I want a baby boy to name Carl Jaden
which was a funny thing to feel in the morning
because I have never really had that maternal urge
to reproduce.

It was a morning where I thought I might want 4 kids
while I normally think that if I ever do reproduce
(which is an issue constantly under debate in itself)
I would only want 2.

This afternoon has been one
completely alone
but completely content,
and I've enjoyed working by myself
and not having to share anything with anyone.

But this early evening I'm a little sad.
Sad because I still sometimes feel that I settle for less than I should.
I miss Lindsay, but she's in Africa.
I miss Allie, but she's in Seattle.
And I really just want them to come home so that I know that
I'm not the only one in the world who enjoys those
silly, little hopelessly romantic things
that everyone else thinks is stupid.

I wish boys just knew what girls wanted.
I feel like being so demanding all the time
almost defeats the purpose.

I think it's mostly because I'm a little pmsy.

I also came to the realization last night
(through one of the glassy eyed, balcony conversations with Katie that I love so much)
that I cannot love like I wish I could.
I'm really struggling to love the people that I know need it the most,
and I'd rather be selfish and just cut them out of my life completely.

It's harsh,
but I can't bring myself to trust the people who have lost it
and to love the people I don't trust.

It's something I've been desperately praying about
and trying to fix,
but it's so hard.

It would be so much easier to just make a clean break
and run.

Katie has been such a Godsend in my life, though.
I keep deleting my words because I don't feel like
anything I try to say will do her justice,
but she is one of the most positive influence
I have found in this city so far.
(In contribution with Brett and Gabby)

Other than that,
this semester has been the most memorable
and most loved thus far,

and I'm working on finding more adventures
to make this place feel like home.

I'm realizing that we're growing up fast,
and Franklin may never be my home again.

The realness is so scary,
but I know there's nothing I can do.

"You have to ride change or change is going to ride you."

So maybe I stole that from an episode of the OC,
but it's so true.

It's going to be my mantra.

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